Heaves a sigh. I feel lighter after sharing it with a good friend who understands my predicament and isn’t annoyed at me for constantly barraging her with my woes. I am really thankful for her being around to give me timely and sound advice. She has been 100% supportive, and has never judged my thoughts and feelings. Thanks alot bro!
“When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
I will try to fix you”
this song is the song I turn to when I need to tell someone something but no one will get it and I just need some unquiet to distract myself from the voices in my head. I know that it is gonna be a futile attempt but I am still hopelessly devoted. I can’t just extricate myself from this muddle.
I now know why I like mojitos… cos they are a muddled drink just like me. It was my first drink and represents the firsts in my life. It will always be a special part of my life I guess just like N.
I just said I probably couldn’t go lunch and was accused of relegating N to a second priority. I know the whole thing about insecurity and all but seriously just one lunch that I’m going with someone else after N asked me. I am not sure if the curt replies of “fine” and “well” and “putting me on 2nd priority” are just N’s way of sounding angry and making me grovel back and negotiate something as compensation.
But if this is N’s intention, fine you win this round okay? This kind of rhetoric, I don’t know why it works all the time on me. I feel like this is a constant struggle to want more attention like a singing canary in a cage but yet desiring the freedom to fly in the open skies. It is like the attention I so crave for will clip the very wings which want to soar. So it seems that the whole muddle hinges on the age old struggle of love and freedom.
My friend says that we have a strong unresolved tension but honestly it can be darn easily resolved if someone stops acting like the world has to be revolve around one person and my hierachy of friends has to have exclusively one top spot for no other. I really hate this feeling now. Like I am captured and I can’t get out. I know it is no good for me but I just can’t walk away. I tried to push it away but it comes back stronger each time.
Argh I wished that we hadn’t met at all. Wouldn’t it be better-my life would be dull yes but better than me always hanging by a thread. All the fortuities which made us cross paths… i hate them all. We were counting them that day. And since I am not the only one who wishes to go back to the day when we were strangers I wish we could now.
The expectation of building my life around someone’s schedule is making me so tired and honestly I don’t know why I am putting up with the injustice. The tug of war (aptly termed by my good friend) will go on because N wants me to recognise how important N is to me.
The story of us. Looking forward to cafe hopping after May!!!